Grief It Sneaks Up When least expected

Grief It Sneaks Up on you so unexpectedly

 Today has started off really emotional for me , waking from my sleep in a complete panic attack literally feeling like I was dying. After calming myself and feeling greatful that after a 45 minute attack I could finally gain self control again , I got lost in my head as always but this was more nescarry considering I wasn't even sure what brought me from sleep to awake to utter panic. I started with my usual thoughts and reasons for this but then after I stopped reading too deep into the who's,  what and why's it dawned on me that this hasn't happened in years but grief and triggers don't hold a time frame or happen only in the beginning , grief , anxiety and depression have no rules or time frame's.  I'm a bereaved mother who lost her child apart of my heart and soul. I'm a mother to a surviving child that was not only robbed of her mother, sister and life as she knew it at 5 years old and I not only live with the deep heartache of losing my child to death but I'm grieving the loss of time and memories I never made with my precious Francesca. I never in my almost 13 year's since I began this horrific and painful journey never relized I'm grieving the loss of both my children obviously not the same pain because thankfully I have my oldest daughter here still but the reality is no matter here or in heaven those year's lost are just as painful and devastating because with Cheanelle I don't have the option or choice there because God is charge and who am I too argue with him but Francesca was here all along and so was I :( I know to anyone who has grieved the loss of a loved one would say that's normal or to be expected but my heart and mind were dealt a whole new addition to my already troubled heart and soul. I know I shouldn't be so hard on thing's that were beyond my control but that's just part of this roller coaster I now call MY LIFE. I wanted to share this personal experience because being a veteran in the game of grief I thought I seen , felt and been through mostly every emotion that comes with grief but obviously today grief again taught me that no matter the time, the journey or growth we endured to never under estimate grief and never think you've been through the worse and seen your darkest day's because grief is forever constant and forever changing in ways unforseen and unexpected .